The Legend of Zelda: Kettle Drums of Time!
by Weirdofreak
Summary: OOT rewritten sort of in the style of Terry Pratchett! (For those of you that don't know, that means humour!)


The Legend of Zelda: Kettle Drums of Time

  
  
It was a dark and stormy night...   
  
The robbers were in their caves...   
  
The captain said, 'Mate, tell us a story.'   
  
So the Mate began:   
  
'It was a dark and stormy night...   
  
'The robbers were in their caves...   
  
'The captain said, 'Mate, tell us a story.'   
  
'So the Mate began:   
  
'"It was a dark and stormy night...   
  
'"The robbers were in their caves...   
  
'"The captain said, 'Mate, tell us a story.'   
  
'"So the Mate began:   
  
'"'It was a dark and stormy night...   
  
'"'The robbers were in their caves...   
  
'"'The captain said, 'Mate, tell us a story.'   
  
'"'So the Mate began:   
  
'"'"It was a dark and stormy night...   
  
'"'"The robbers were in their caves...   
  
'"'"The captain said, 'Mate, tell us a story.'   
  
'"'"And the Mate replied, 'Make up your own story, there're enough of these confusing speech marks as it is!'"'"'   
  
This has nothing to do with this tale.   
  
It _was_ a dark and stormy night, mainly because that's the sort of night these stories usually start on. And the robbers _were_ in their caves, mainly because it was too dark and stormy to go out robbing people. But they will play no further part in this story. Hopefully.   
  
_Look._   
  
**This is, for lack of a better word, the world. The world is a very good word for it, as it is very world-like, and has a definite air of worldliness about it. But there are probably better words. It is divided in to many lands. None of the lands know the others exist. This is a typical case of stupidity on the part of those in power.**   
  
_Focus._   
  
**This is Hyrule,the centermost land in the world. Like the others, it believes it is alone. Or it would if it was alive. It is perhaps more accurate to say its people believe they are alone in the world. This is where this story takes place.**   
  
_Focus._   
  
**These are the Lost Woods, so called because anybody who enters them will be lost forever inside. Or so it is believed...**   
  
_Focus._   
  
**This is the Kokiri Village, the heart of the Lost Woods. As its name suggests, this is where the timeless Children of the Forest, the Kokiri live.**   
  
_Focus._   
  
**This is the Great Deku Tree. In case you couldn't tell, he is a tree. For generations he has served as the guardian spirit of the forest. This is complicated, as the Kokiri do not age, and therefore do not have generations. If they did it would get too overcrowded.**   
  
_Zoom out. Left a bit... okay, now focus._   
  
**This is an oak tree. It will be one hundred years old tomorrow. Being a normal tree, it is blissfully unaware of this fact. There is nothing remarkable about it, except...**   
  
_Zoom out again._   
  
**This is the only tree in the village to have a treehouse in its branches. Most have been hollowed out to form houses.**   
  
_Up. Focus._   
  
**This is what would be the doorframe, if there was a door. As there isn't, it is simply a hole in the wall.**   
  
_Focus._   
  
**This is what would be the bedroom or the dining room, if there were any other rooms. As it is, it is simply the place where the occupant eats and sleeps. He is currently sleeping. His name is Link, mainly because that's what he was named. He is the hero of this adventure but doesn't know it yet, mainly because he is involved in other things right now. Namely a nightmare, hence the dark and sorminess of this night. He's had this same nightmare for a few nights running now. If he wanted to, and there were psychiatrists, he could have related it to one of them. But there were none, and anyway he didn't want to, so he didn't.**   
  
_In his nightmare he was standing somewhere. He didn't know where. It was night, and it was dark, but although it was raining there was no thunder or lightning. In front of him was a wall. Behind the wall he could make ot a faint outline of something, a darker patch of darkness against the darkness of the night. But he couldn't make out what it was. In the wall was a drawbridge, but it was raised. Along the bottom of the wall was a moat. Behind him he could see nothing.   
  
Then the drawbridge lowered, and over it came two people on a white horse. Both looked familiar to him, although he couldn't quite place who they were. They were both female, the one in front a young girl in a dress and the other woman in a blue tunic and breastplate. She was gripping the reins and urging the horse to go faster.   
  
The young one turned around, and for the first time he saw her face. He could make out little in the darkness, but it was covered in fear and anxiety. She threw something at him, but it sailed over his head and, judging by the faint 'plop' sound he heard above the quiet patter of the rain, landed in the moat. He turned around to look, and when he turned back a moment later, they were gone. He turned back to see what the young girl had thrown, but then saw something else.   
  
Another horse, this one pitch black, so that it seemd to absorb light, and was obvious even in this gloom. Riding it was the most evil loking man Link had ever seen. His eyes and hair were dull red and his skin was a musty green. He was wearing a black cape, the same colour as his horse.   
  
'Where did they go?' the man barked, andit was more of an order than a question. Link, feeling he had to protect them, said nothing. He had a sword by his side- where did that come from? Nevertheless, he drew it.   
  
The man laghed. He had a long, drawn-out laugh. 'So you think you can protect them from me?' he said, narrowing his eyes._   
  
**It is at this part that Link always wakes up.**   
  
It was morning. The Grate Deku Tree's voice rang out, sounding as old and withered as its owner. 'Navi...   
  
'Navi, where art thou?   
  
'Come hither...   
  
'Navi?   
  
'I'm waiting...'   
  
Then a differnt voice... the voice of evil... the voice of Navi the Fairy...   
  
'I'm coming already! Sheesh! Even fairies need to do our business! And there's no need to make this sound like something from Shakespear you know! And-'   
  
'Shut up!'   
  
'Moody...'   
  
'Listen to my words, the words of the Great Deku Tree...'   
  
'I know your name, believe it or not.'   
  
The Great Deku Tree went on, ignoring her. 'Dost thou-'   
  
'Uh-uh-uh?' If Navi had fingers she would have been wagging one of them.   
  
'Fine!' cried the Great Deku Tree in exasperation, 'Can you feel it? Something evil is coming! Evil people are coming to attack Hyrule! We'll all die! Sheesh... it sounded so much cooler in Shakespearian... Anywho, get Link to come over here. NOW.'   
  
'Aww... do I have to? You know I always annoy anybody I see.'   
  
'Yes, that's why I'm sending you away. I want my last moments in peace and quiet.'   
  
'FINE,' said Navi, in a huff. She flew off.   
  
'FINALLY! I'M FREE!' called the Great Deku Tree when he judged Navi to be out of earshot.   
  
Navi flew as fast as she could. She wanted to get back the the Great Deku Tree as soon as possible so she could continue annoying him. She had never found anybody as fun to annoy as the old tree who never got angry and tried to splat her. He got angry, but that was it. Most of the people who didn't try to splat her were deaf and/or blind, and never got angry. She was the most annoying Fairy in the Lost Woods. She was proud of it. Little did she know that she'd soon find somebody even more fun to annoy.   
  
But for now she just wanted to get back to annoying the Great Deku Tree, so she flew at full speed, which was about the speed of a bycicle with square wheels. She flew through the fence, delighted to see that people were running indoors at the sight of her. Then Link's house came into view. She flew up to it, and in through the hole in the wall.   
  
Link was still asleep. 'Hey! Wake up! I wanna get back to the Great Deku Tree so I can continue annoying him! Hey!' but it did no good. Link was still asleep, still in his nightmare.   
  
_'Where did they go?'_   
  
'Hey! Wake up!'   
  
_Link drew his sword._   
  
Navi bawled in his ear.   
  
_The man narrowed his eyes._   
  
Navi flew back a bit, preparing to dive-bomb Link.   
  
_'So you think you can hide them from me?'_   
  
Navi flew straight at Link. He woke suddenly, and sat up, screaming. She landed on his bed and bounced along it, into the wall. A tiny voice spoke, but as he was screaming, he didn't hear it. 'Ahh... I think I broke my wing...' Link lay down on top of her because he didn't realise she was there. As he did so, he muffled out her screams of agony.   
  
After several minutes of trying to get out from under Link, Navi finally managed to get out from under Link. She fell to the floor and lay there, screaming.   
  
Link picked her up. 'Who are you?' he asked.   
  
'Oh come on, you must know me! Everybody does!'   
  
'Probably, yes. I have an exceptionally bad memory.'   
  
'Well then,' said Navi, flying up into Link's face, her wing making a miraculous recovery, 'I'm your worst nightmare!'   
  
'Oh Gods, not again,' moaned Link. 'I just had that! Alright, where's the horse?'   
  
'Pardon?'   
  
'Were's the horse?'   
  
'Oh no, not that one. I'm the one who annoys you wherever you go.'   
  
'Oh, crap, I'd forgotten about that one. But wait, it's not so-'   
  
'Shut up, we have to go see the Great Deku Tree.'   
  
'You didn't let me fin-'   
  
'We have to go and see-'   
  
'Okay, it's bad.'   
  
'Oh, and we have to be partners from now on.'   
  
'NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!'   
  
Link got out of bed. He didn't need to dress, because he was a hero, and would have wasted time if he had to change. For the same reason, he wasn't hungry and had an empty bladder.   
  
He walked out of the hole in the wall, and climbed down the ladder. While he did that, the second most annoying thing in the Lost Woods came and stood behind him. He reached the bottom of the ladder and turned around. He screamed.   
  
'Huh? Wassat?' asked Navi, flying out from under Link's hat where she had been lying because her wing was broken again. 'Is somebody who isn't me annoying you?' Saria screamed even louder than Link had done, partly because she was a girl, and thus had a very loud scream, and partly because Navi was the _most_ annoying thing in the Lost Woods, and ran away.   
  
'You could be useful!' Link said to Navi. 'I bet... you could even scare off Mido!'   
  
'Yes, I could. Now lift up your hat again, my wing is broken.'   
  
'Then how are you flying?'   
  
'Lift up your hat.'   
  
'Not until you tell me how you're flying.'   
  
'Lift up your-'   
  
'NO!'   
  
'I'll sing!'   
  
'How bad a singer are you?'   
  
'Do you really want to know?'   
  
Link sighed, but lifted up his hat anyway. Navi flew under and settled in his hair. He rolled his eyes and put his hat back down. He then started to walk towards the entrance to the Greaat Deku Tree's gate, where he met Mido.   
  
'Where are you going, Mr. No Fairy?' he said, in that annoyingly superior voice idiots who think they're clever always use, known as the human one.   
  
'The Deku Tree. Oh, and I have a fairy,' he said, resisting the urge to stick his tongue out. 'Navi?'   
  
At the sound of that name, Mido looked like he didn't know whether to scream or run or wet his pants. Come to think of it, he always looked like he was going to wet his pants. It came of and unlucky combination of not being a hero, and therefore of not having a perpetually empty bladder, and of being to stuck-up to realise that he wasn't a hero and to listen to other people when they said he wasn't a hero. Link was amazed he'd managed to hold it in that long.   
  
But Navi didn't fly out from under Link's hat. He called her again. And again. Then he grabbed his hat and pulled it off. But Navi wasn't there.   



End file.
